The ‘Silent Epidemic’ In Gay Relationships

“We went out for dinner and then drinks at a local pub … he got angry about something and the night ended with me having a broken nose,” Vickery says.

“After the first time he was very apologetic and it was never going to happen again.” But it did happen, again and again over a period of five years, culminating in Vickery being thrown down a set of stairs at home in front of his children.

For Matthew Parsons, domestic violence came in other forms – psychological, financial and emotional abuse.

The smallest of triggers would set off a torrent of abuse, like the time he left the do not disturb sign on a hotel room door.

“When we returned, the room hadn’t been serviced for towels and so he flipped out and threw champagne, strawberries and chocolate across the room. I spent the night crying in the parking lot.”

Parsons had no control over his own finances either. The final straw came when his partner knowingly withheld from him the few dollars he needed to purchase lunch.

“I thought, you don’t even think of me as human, I’m just your play thing. That was a really horrible realisation to come to.”

It took both men years to realise they were experiencing domestic abuse, which is little talked about in the LGBTI community.

“He kept telling me that when two men get involved in a relationship, things turn physical,” says Vickery, who had been in a 17-year marriage prior to coming out. “I had no barometer so I just assumed that was how it worked.”

Parsons says the gay and lesbian community has spent so long trying to prove their love is valid, they are afraid to ruin it by admitting domestic abuse occurs.

“There’s an unspoken fear that if we start to tell the mainstream community that actually sometimes our relationships are toxic and horrible and abusive, then that will be used against us to say, ‘see it’s all unnatural and a sin anyway’.”

Vickery likens it to coming out a second time.

“A lot of people ask me why I didn’t leave [sooner] … but I’d come out and told everyone it was a wonderful thing. I didn’t want to come out again…”

ACON chief executive, Nicolas Parkhill, says for this reason, domestic violence is under-reported within the LGBTI community.

And because same-sex domestic violence “doesn’t look the same” as in heterosexual relationships, people don’t always recognise it, Parkhill says.

Unique to LGBTI victims is the fear the abusive partner will “out” them to family, friends and work colleagues, or reveal their HIV status.

Within the LGBTI community abuse is more frequently reported by women and transgender males than by gay men but Parkhill says more research is needed to determine the full extent of the problem.

He applauds the naming of Rosie Batty as Australian of the Year which has already raised the profile of domestic violence in the community, but says “the silent epidemic within this public profile raising is how that plays out in relationships that aren’t perceived as ‘the normal’.”

More needs to be done to raise awareness of domestic violence in gay and lesbian relationships, Parkhill says, and more government funding is needed for LGBTI-specific support services.

Matthew Parsons remembers calling a domestic violence hotline only to discover it was run by a Christian organisation.

“They were very unhelpful to say the least and I thought from that experience there wasn’t help out there, which isn’t true,” he says.

He eventually found help through the website Another Closet and counselling which encouraged him to do a “pack and dash” – fleeing while his partner was out.

The stair incident was the catalyst for Vickery to leave, but it still took him a year to come to terms with the relationship loss.

The men have been together now for four years and finally know what it is like to feel happy and safe.

Drawing on those experiences, they co-created a highly acclaimed cabaret show My Other Closet about domestic violence in gay relationships, for the Sydney Mardi Gras festival in 2013 and have plans to revive the show in Melbourne.

“[Our] horrible relationships … taught us both everything we never want to have in a relationship again,” Parsons says.

“We want to turn our negative experiences into a positive and put the message out there … that abuse is abuse and it’s the same in any relationship.”